Follow Your Heart?

FYH

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. It’s been a while since I felt I had anything to say. Why? Where have I been? The short answer: I’ve been in transitional seclusion. I felt God calling me to come away for a while and be quiet; to ponder, consider and reevaluate my life and my place.

Add to that an unexpected and abrupt end to my husband’s career. Relocation. Home-renovation. Navigating swindling contractors. Church hunting. And community integration. With all that was going on, I knew not to open my mouth in a public way.  In the carved out space of intentional seclusion, this fast from noise, I was able to hear God’s voice again. I listened hard to what God was saying to me.

There’s nothing as effective as life disruption to get our attention.

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Years ago there was a treatment program designed to help people quit smoking. Frustrated with her lack of success in giving up cigarettes, my aunt parted with a good amount of cha-ching to participate in hopes of becoming a non-smoker.

Early in her program, I noticed a heavy-duty rubber band around her left wrist. She explained that part of her program required she snap the band each time she caught herself desiring a cigarette. I suppose the idea was to reroute the neurological pathways in her brain associated with her use of cigarettes.

It’s difficult to break bad habits. We all have them and we all battle to be victorious over them. Without realizing it, these habits and practices fade into the background white noise of our lives. I have bad habits. I head to electronics, shopping or the refrigerator when I’m upset or feeling off. I’ve developed an unconscious habit of distracting myself from unpleasant feelings or situations.

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While my mouth was shut and my ears were open I had become acutely aware that my orientation to Him had shifted. I was neglecting our relationship. I allowed myself to become the center of my world. I took an honest inventory of my life in God and realized I had reduced Him to an administrative assistant/benefactor.

I needed a rubber band.

I asked God to help me live a truly surrendered life. No justifications. No excuses.  I’ve been asking Him to check me when I navel-gaze or become preoccupied with myself, my goals and my presumed importance. I asked for a spiritual chiropractic adjustment.

Essentially, I had slipped into the bad habit of taking my cues from my own heart and mind, rather than God’s.  The use of my time and money reveal that I’ve shifted my focus from Him and His kingdom to my building my own. There was nothing “sinful” in what I was doing except running out ahead of God, leaning on my own understanding, following my own inclinations.  In my state of spiritual amnesia, I forgot to remember that my life isn’t my own.

But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus–the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God.  Acts 20:24 NLT

This isn’t to say that I passively abandon the stewardship of my life, my gifts/abilities, my personality/temperament, my purpose/calling, my vision or heart desires. I understand that He places His desires in our hearts and so in a sense Follow Your Heart isn’t necessarily a carnal mantra.

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Follow your heart.

These three words look great as wall art or printed on tee-shirts and mugs but in this process of reorienting myself, once again, to Him in humble submission and love-driven devotion, I saw those words staring at me from my desk in a different light.

I think most of us would agree that we’re living in a time like never before. Narcissism and relative moralism are almost, if not, pandemic. It’s slipped into our church culture as well. Our modern-day maxim seems to be: Not only do I matter, but I’m all that matters. 

 

Here’s the good news…our Redeemer loves us too much to leave us as He found us. Our Father loves us too much to indulge and cater to us. The Holy Spirit loves us too much to rob us of sanctification and transformation.

God interrupts our arrogance, our ignorance and our willfulness. He lovingly and repeatedly lets us realize the deep dissatisfaction and painful emptiness of living our lives for ourselves.

If I love the Lord in an intimate and experiential way and do so with all my heart, soul, mind and strength then it won’t be so difficult to surrender.

The Grace of Disruption

I read them slowly from the cocoon of my sick bed, spoke them into the room as one might swipe at cobwebs. They are truth and I held them like a stop sign against the dark and renegade thoughts that traveled the neuropathways of my brain. The declaration offered hope and reassurance.

This I declare about the LORD; He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God and I trust him.   – Psalm 91:2

He is my God and I trust Him!

Trust isn’t instant. It’s learned over time and through experience. Blind trust in God is sometimes called for in life but trust we have cultivated through experiencing Him is more personal; not easily shaken.

I learned to trust God with finances more deeply in my mid-twenties. I had three children and a precariously fragile marriage. One tense October Sunday morning my husband backed the car out of the driveway and headed in the direction of church.

Halfway down our block I irritatedly uttered: Would you please wait until I’m fully in the car before you start backing out? At the end of the block my husband wordlessly turned the car around, sped back to the house, pulled into our driveway and said flatly, “Get out! Get the kids and get out.”

In stunned silence I peeled three bewildered children from the back seat.

He didn’t come home that night.

Or the next.

It was four months of hand-to-mouth living before divorce proceedings were stopped. It was a season of divine provision.

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Life disruptions. 

They have a way of challenging our theology and reshaping our life’s essential meaning.

Some life disruptions can seem like the end of the world. They appear like a betrayal of God. They attack our spiritual equilibrium, confront our identity and uproot our sense of security.

The difficult months following that rainy morning thirty-five years ago became a canvas of grace, painted by the hand of God in vivid colors of loving faithfulness.

Through the grace of disruption I was given the privilege of renewed dependence upon God. I experienced His provision in very tangible ways and solidly experienced God as Jehovah Jireh–my provider.

I eventually remarried and though my financial position became more comfortable, other aspects of my relationship with and trust in God would be clarified.

Thirty-five years of life disruptions since have shaped my relationship with God, working a maturation and sanctification process in me.

That process continues.

I am prone to forget my vital need for utter dependence upon Him. I can unwittingly drift into the waters of pride and self-reliance.

We make plans and God laughs. 

Those sentiments have no biblical basis but they remind me of James 4:13-16

Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” Otherwise you are boasting about your own pretentious plans, and all such boasting is evil.

We sometimes slip behind the veil of parroted expressions of faith without realizing we’re really just robed in rhetoric. The familiar scriptures we quote, the one-liners we repeat from sermons and best sellers can lull us into believing we have a stronger dependence upon God than we actually do.

The Christianese we speak doesn’t always equal the caliber of our surrender to God or His Lordship in our lives.

Life disruptions. 

My husband, along with two of our sons, recently received a blindsiding email that left us all standing like deer in the headlights. A family business decision separated them from their dreams and their jobs.

It looked like betrayal and felt like shame.

That email effectively wiped away the plans of a father and two sons to farm together. It redlined the identities of these men who had always been farmers.

It was a business decision made by brothers for the benefit of some, but not all.

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It took days before the shock wore off–before we were able to identify the blindside as a tool in the hand of God.

It was God’s eraser to the drawing board of our carefully laid plans.

On the white board of God’s sovereignty we were reminded:

I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD. — Jer. 29:11

Our plans had been abruptly disrupted.

His plan is still unknown to us.

Throughout the last year we had prayed fervently: Lord, this is our desire, this seems wise and prudent…we ask you for wisdom, direction and favor but above all,  if this isn’t your plan, please close the door.

And He did. Though late in the process, it was definitely closed.

The reality of it all is slowly sinking in, especially for my husband whose been forced to  prematurely walk away from a third generation farming operation he’s spent forty years growing. It’s all he’s ever know. And it’s a major blow to our sons who thought farming was their heritage and future as well.

As we pray for love and forgiving hearts, we thank God for His better plan and we voice our praise.

We would rather be caught in the scary unknown than with foolish confidence pursuing our own will.

We humbly and gladly echo the words of Jesus, Not my will but yours be done!

In the messy mingling of fear and faith, we are becoming more keenly aware of the privilege we have been given to be stripped of any vestige of independence from God–any reliance upon ourselves.

There is refuge and safety in none but God alone! He is our future, our hope. The grace of disruption can return us there.

 

(Author’s note: I share events in my life only to illustrate a point–not with the slightest intention to disparage anyone. My former husband is today a very humble and gracious follower of Christ. I have tremendous respect and admiration for both he and his wife.  My husband’s brothers are also God-fearing men making difficult decisions. We love them and will continue to do so.)

Despair grows in the darkness of half-truth and silence

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“From the depths of despair, O LORD, I call for your help.”  Psalm 130:1

These heartfelt words of David are voiced with unedited emotional honesty. I think David’s unfiltered expression of soul is one of the things that makes him a man after God’s own heart.

The depths of despair?

We all experience them.

I recently gathered with thirty-some women at a cozy mountain retreat to participate in a conversation about hope: Hope as an Anchor for the Soul. Some of the stories I heard were deeply painful and seemingly hopeless— hard journeys visibly etched on sad faces.  Other women were on the rejoicing side of a long and soul-rendering season of suffering, their faith in God, thankfully, renewed, strengthened and contagious.

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One woman quoted a line from Anne of Green Gables, “To despair is to turn your back on God.”

I would add:

Despair comes from believing God has turned His back on you.

Many times I have found myself crumpled on the shores of despair. I’ve been so distraught and overcome that enduring one more day seemed impossible.

I am tempted to throw up my hands and quit when I’ve concluded my situation is hopeless–when relief is not even a spot on the horizon.

Despair knocks on the door when my incurable diagnosis seems to have disqualified me from my purpose or leaves me less than who I was meant to be, no matter my effort.

When my mind darts around and I can’t focus or remember what’s truer than my swirling emotions; when imbalanced brain chemistry hijacks my personality and pelts me with lies; when I’m confused about who I am and where I belong–despair sneaks in.

But despair moves in when successive storms leave me bone weary and void of any hope for relief. When I’m daily faced with the collateral damage of childhood traumas and the resulting grief suffocates me. When life piles up, as life does, PTSD launches a synaptic wild-fire inside, robbing me of sleep and subjecting me to an adrenalized fight with myself. It squelches peace of mind along with the joyful ease of simply being myself.

Throughout my complex set of issues I feel unrelenting guilt for letting God and others down, for not being able to control it or, after all these years, failed to overcome it.

“From the depths of despair, O LORD, I call for your help.”

I have a deep reservoir of empathy for people in suffering and affliction. One thing I’ve learned in my blind journey through heartache is that it helps to tell your story. I think too many people feel invisible and insignificant, in part, because their stories aren’t heard.

If your story isn’t known, can you be known? Maybe if your story remains hidden you are hidden as well.

Could a portion of despair stem from not being seen or known or heard?

There is a woman in my town. I see her regularly sitting criss-cross-applesauce under a tree or on a random sidewalk. When she’s not sitting and staring from haze, she’s walking in a staggering jerky motion along Main Street.

She’s pretty, or used to be. Light blue eyes pop from the ruddy canvas of her weathered face—her hair is sun-streaked but matted and stringy.  I don’t know her story, though it’s not hard to imagine the trail that led her to where she is now.

To me she is a picture of a life void of hope.

Despair doesn’t generally spring from one isolated event—though for some it can. The complete loss or absence of hope usually comes from a years-long, life-consuming, hard-fought series of battles where loss piles upon loss and grief layers upon grief. It comes when defeats far outnumber victories and circumstances repeatedly cycle from bad to worse.

Remember Naomi? She lost her husband and then both sons–the equivalent of destitution for a woman in those days. When she returned to Bethlehem with Ruth she said to the welcomers,

“Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me.”

Despair is found when the promises God spoke to your soul feel like mocking empty memories of a time you dared to hope at all.

When was the last time you cried out to God with that voice of anguish trying to outpace despair? Psalm 130 continues:

Hear my cry, O Lord! Pay attention to my prayer.

Emotionally translated it sounds something like this: Aren’t you listening to me, Lord? Why don’t you answer me? It’s too much…Your hand has been too heavy upon me. I can’t go on. 

It’s a cry of anguish—an honest prayer that comes from the heart of one whose circumstances have wrung faith and hope right out of the heart.

David models the value in identifying our despair–calling it what it is. Nothing is gained in feigning otherwise. But identifying our hopelessness is only half the equation.

Despair grows in the darkness of half-truth and silence.

The apostle Paul reveals the hope side of our hardships:

We are experiencing trouble on every side, but we are not crushed; 

We are perplexed, but we are not driven to despair; 

We are persecuted, but we are not abandoned; 

We are knocked down, but we are not destroyed.  (2 Cor. 4:8-9)

Paul admits the trouble yet he caps the lesser truth with the greater one…the incorruptible truth of But God!

He continues.

“So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now: rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2 Cor. 4:18)

Despair is like the water Peter dared to walk upon. When I look at my problems, I succumb to the depths of despair. When I willfully lift my eyes from the temporariness of this life and fix my gaze on the eternal glory I’ll share with Him, I am able to turn my back on despair.

“I am counting on the LORD,” David says; “Yes, I am counting on Him. I have put my hope in His word.” 

My emotions may be a rudder-less ship at times, I may succumb to the currents that drive me hard into the storms BUT GOD has kept His hand upon me. I could easily have become that woman I see around town.

No matter my thrashing, God’s love has been an anchor for my soul. His promise to care for me has been proven over and over and over again in my life. I call it to memory.

Today, I’m hunkered down. My bible and journal sit on my lap. I’m choosing to lift my eyes. I have determined to blindly, inexplicably fix my gaze above and place my hope in Him.

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Can I encourage you, my friend, to lift your eyes from all that beats upon your soul? For a moment, look instead upon the Christ of the cross? He knows your suffering and He’s purchased the price of your hope.

Would you consider going a step further and remind yourself of a time when God came through for you?

Will you let those words tumble past your gritted teeth? Will you speak it out loud and let your heart be reminded to hope?

Will you echo the Psalmist with me?

 “I am counting on the LORD, yes…I have put my hope in His Word.”

There’s A Lesson in this Somewhere…

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We were sitting together on the couch one evening–an evening like so many others, well-worn with soft routine. On his lap was an iPad housed in a broken keyboard case. The keys stopped working long ago but he’s felt no compulsion to replace it. “The stand still works and I don’t really need the keyboard–it’s still a good case.” This from the man who suggested I replace my $MacBook Pro with Retinal display$ because it was three years old.

I am more guilt-prone than he, the one who usually scrutinizes our lives. I had been feeling uncomfortable with how much time we eat up in front of our screens.

“I’ve been thinking,” I broke the silence, my words directed at his profile. “What would it be like to put our computers away for a year?” Mister always takes his time answering. I usually endure a full thirty-seconds of non-response before I proceed.

“If we didn’t have this distraction, how much more productive could we be–more impactful?” Picking up speed, I rolled on. “We could read more…pray more…have more conversation…be more present.”

His face was lit in blue light. “That’s an interesting thought,” he offered.

The following week we headed out in Gladys, our small RV. I spent the morning of our departure reformatting my blog site and checking those ever-tempting stats–just one more time! (My nose scrunches up with that admission by the way.)

An upgrade notification from Apple alerted me so I robotically installed the operating system upgrade and headed out.

Don’t we all just want the latest version?

We stopped at Safeway in Madras, Oregon and parked next to an older high-top van obviously built out to live in. A lot of my computer time is consumed with YouTube–primarily channels on nomadic lifestyle, vandwelling, the tiny house movement and off-grid living. I’ve learned a lot about the van dwelling demographic. I fear it’s become an obsession.

On the way out of the store I said to Mister, “I’m gonna go over there and talk to that guy about his van.” I peeked into the opened side door where strains of moderately heavy metal music escaped.

I imagined the conversation would go something like this:

Me: Hi! Great van you have here…did you build it out yourself?

Van Guy: Oh hey! Thanks…yeah I did…wanna take a look?

Me: Sure…I am so fascinated by van dwelling. Are you a fulltimer?

Van Guy: I am–have been for two years. I love it and wouldn’t go back to sticks-n-bricks for nothin!

(He would then show me his build-out and I would show enthusiasm. I’d ask him if he’s heard of the YouTubers I follow.  We’d engage in convo about solar panels and composting toilets and where he planned to spend the winter. We’d shake hands and part as new friends.)

Don’t we all just want some connection on this journey?

This is how the encounter actually transpired:

Me: Hi! (His expressionless face unsettled me but I continued cause that’s what I do.)

Angry Van Guy: (He tilted his head in my direction while masticating a cheek full of sub sandwich.)

Timid Me: I…um…noticed your van. I follow some YouTube channels about van dwelling…uh…(nervous pause)...are you a full timer?

Angry Van Guy: (He looked away and with his sub-free hand gestured around his crowded van.) Well…apparently I am. (He paused mid-bite.) And I stay off the geek farm. I’m not into that @*%~ and I don’t need a $200,000 contraption those rich fools buy.

Stupid Me: I don’t need one either. (I wanted to defend my 25 foot, twelve-year old used RV.)

Angry Van Guy: Look at me! See how thin I am? (He looked my fluffy middle-aged frame up and down.) I actually do @%~. I don’t just sit around watching other people do @%~.

Regretful Me: Uh…well, looks like you have yourself a comfy home here.

Still Angry Van Guy: Yeah…I did some stuff to it. (His eyes dart around, pointing to his work.) It doesn’t have a shower or a fridge but I get by just fine..its all I need. (Unspoken words leaked out of his angry eyes. Now leave me alone and mind your own $@#% business.) 

Tongue-tied Me: Well…sorry to bother you…uh…thanks for…um…have a nice day.

Pitiful Angry Van Guy: Right.

Our interaction occupied my thoughts much of the trip. I wondered about his story and imagined his background. I prayed.

We later stopped in Redmond to grab a bite and some free wi-fi. Mister went inside to order while I opened my laptop. The geek farm he called it. The screen looked funny. It was black and filled with troubling computer code. I caught a few words as the tech narrative scrolled rapidly up my screen: <panic> debugger.

Panic was rising in me like mercury in August. I grabbed my phone and Googled. I hastily followed instructions I neither fully understood nor verified.

Don’t we all just want a quick fix?

After several unsuccessful reboot attempts I stared at a lifeless screen–swallowing a lump of fear that my computer had suffered a mortal blow. Too late to call tech support, we made our way to Wal-Mart for the night.

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We located an Apple Store the next morning. A diagnostic confirmed my fears–the hardrive was empty, data as well as operating system.

It was like pulling into my driveway and discovering a pile of smoldering ashes had replaced my house. There was nothing to do but stand there while reality seated itself.

Bank records, business documents, photos, writing files, journals, software, important notes, saved web pages–all were lost with no back up to turn to.

I walked out of the store and into the daylight of acceptance. This is not the end of the world, I admonished my emotions! Like the code that flashed across my screen, numerous and rapidly successive thoughts scrolled across my mind:

  • Didn’t I want to know what it would be like without a computer?
  • I lost some data but what about the Haitians that lost loved ones, their homes and any hope of sustenance or sustainability ?
  • There was the video posted by a little girl in Aleppo. Covering her ears, she swayed back and forth as bombs exploded outside her home? “We’re still alive,” she rejoiced.
  • I thought about what that young husband in California had lost. His beautiful  wife–the mother of his infant daughter–lost to an angry bullet in the line of duty?
  • A mental image then slid into view: Tents erected under the freeway overpasses I saw in Seattle last week when I drove our stage 4 cancer friend to his sixth round of chemo.
  • What of the woman who lives in her tiny car because she lost her job months before retirement–lost her pension in a bureaucratic wormhole? Social security won’t provide a roof over her head and three square meals so she follows good weather  and lives on the road.
  • And most pressing upon my heart is my niece. They were so excited about the arrival of their baby girl, but are now crushed under the weight of grief because a routine ultrasound revealed a rapidly growing brain tumor that will likely take their baby’s life before the baby will take a breath.

Don’t we all suffer under the crushing weight of loss?

When homes are leveled and lives are lost, when wombs are robbed and dreams disintegrate; when cancer displaces vitality and broken men have only bitterness to buoy them; when tents are no match for winter and pictures and stories can’t replace a mother’s embrace or anchoring love, what then?

Don’t we all just need someone to speak to the pain of it all?

Jesus speaks the words in red,

Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity. (John 12:25)

This life has a way of coming up empty and this world has a way of promising what it cannot deliver. When our hope is placed in anything but Him, we will be crushed under the weight of our losses. 

Of course we grieve. It’s human to bend with the winds of adversity in the storms of life.

But there is comfort found in the anchoring reality of the psalmist’s words:

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, and he delivers those whose spirit has been crushed. (Ps. 34:18)

It’s interesting to note here that LORD in this verse is translated from Jehovah. “While Elohim exhibits God displayed in his power as the creator and governor of the physical universe, the name Jehovah designates his nature as he stands in relation to man, as the only almighty, true, and personal God.” (Quoted from biblestudytools.com) This is God who comes near, both physically and relationally.

He stands with us in our losses as the Almighty Last Word.

I spent the morning bowed almost wordlessly before the One who rewards faith and upholds the faithful.

As we lay our losses before Him, He proves his promise to fill those empty places with inexplicable peace.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, dear friends.  

 

Trust & The Would You Rather Game

Sad Young Man

Would you rather die in a burning building or drown in the ocean?

They usually asked it form the back seat of a boring car ride.

Would you rather fall into a pit of snakes or have 10,000 spiders crawl all over you?

I cringed at their morbid questions but played along to keep a he touched me war from breaking out.

My answer, more often than not, would be a groan followed by, Neither one

“Gramma, you have to choose one,” they’d insist.

I have to choose one? I don’t want to accept that I have only two undesirable choices.

I’m grieved.

I’m heartsick.

I’m ashamed.

I’m grieved because the political front in America is disintegrating into a sophomoric competition of blame shifting and low blows. Where have decorum, respect and decency gone? Not to mention morals.

We’re being forced to play the Would You Rather Game and I hear myself groaning more than ever before. I honestly don’t know what my choice will be on the day my answered is required. A lot of us are groaning and getting ugly with each other as well.

I’m ashamed because our great nation, the land that I love, resembles a circus–a house of horrors if you will. This land of benevolence and generosity has become a showcase for all the ways power and greed corrupt. It has become a global spectacle. Lack of character, morality and integrity leave us all cringing and bewildered.

I’m heartsick because police officers are being murdered in record numbers. My son in law is a police officer with a wife and six children counting on him to come home at night after serving his community.

I’m heartsick because officer involved shootings of our citizens are now too common. It’s becoming harder and harder to identify the good guys from the bad guys. Heated lines are taken to the streets while hatred and fear draw lines on hearts.

Fear is being fostered in every corner of life. It pushes us inside–inside our walls and inside ourselves. An entire population resists connection so we lose the fiber of community and the strength in our camaraderie, both as a nation and as the body of Christ. Basic trust is whittled to dust and hope is scattered on the wind.

Where is trust found? Who can we trust?

We can’t trust man or man’s systems. We can’t trust what is being spoken, or promised or offered. We can’t. We never could actually.

The words I read in John remind me again that Jesus didn’t trust either. When he walked among us he always knew we couldn’t be trusted.

Because of the miraculous signs…many began to trust in him. But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew human nature. No one needed to tell him what mankind is really like.  (John 2:24-25 NLT)

Jesus placed his trust in his Father.

When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.  (1 Pet. 2:23 ESV)

Because he trusted his Father he was able to enter into covenant with untrustworthy mankind. He knew full well that we’d never keep our end of the agreement.

Jesus entered into kingdom-partnership with us knowing absolutely that we would mess it up and get it wrong.

It wasn’t chivalry or heroics that compelled him. It wasn’t obligation that propelled him through the mire of humanity.

It was Love.

He chose to love, sacrifice for and redeem a people corrupted by sin in every possible way and  though grieved, he is never surprised at what he encounters living among us. He came knowing:

• • That his own would not recognize him. • •

• • That the forgiven would refuse to forgive. • •

• • That the healed would fail to return and give thanks. • •

He knew that his friends would betray him, religious leaders would kill him and that his bride would be an adulteress.

Jesus, Embodied-Love, commingled with sin-infected humanity offering our only hope for stability, freedom, peace and transformation. A future and a hope. (Jer. 29:11)

We can’t trust political parties or political candidates—our hope can’t be placed in that arena. We can’t trust justice systems or religious constructs—they fail to manage the scope of our sin and immorality and self-absorption.

Jesus entrusted himself to his Father and so must we.

We trust His will, His power and His plan. We trust the completeness of Holy Love to keep our hearts afloat in a sea of depravity.

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We entrust our grieving hearts and broken souls to the One who is love, the One who is the Way, the Truth and the Life. The One who is all this world cannot (and will not) offer.

For those reasons, we can live among a crooked and depraved generation without losing our love for them–without losing hope for them. We can encounter failing systems, failing governments and failing religious systems without losing hope that He contains, sustains and transforms lives.

We can look at the storms and not be shaken.

Jesus said:

Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. (John 14:1-3 ESV)

He is our home, both in this world, and the one to come.

Don’t let your hearts be troubled! This is our choice, weary friends! We can choose this! And in our choosing we can propagate hope in a world infected with sin.

DON’T BE AFRAID, FOR I AM WITH YOU.

DON’T BE DISCOURAGED, I AM YOUR GOD.

I WILL STRENGTHEN YOU AND HELP YOU.

I WILL UPHOLD YOU WIHT MY VICTORIOUS RIGHT HAND. –Isa. 41:10

Grace and peace!

P.S. I’d like to warmly welcome my new visitors! I see you from Italy, Germany, Brazil, Norway, India, France, Mexico and the UK! Many thanks to all who visit and follow Grace Grips. In a world saturated with good blogging, I am honored that you would spend a few minutes with me. Thank you for your referrals and for passing Grace Grips along to your friends. A big shout-out as well to those who can take time to comment! It is incredibly encouraging to know if these words inspire you! Big cyber hugs from a timorous author! 

About the Church and Thinking Outside the Steeple

the-steeple

I was browsing a thrift store recently when I spotted a pair of ceramic geese. I had a visceral response—part embarrassment, part nausea. Those geese brought back memories of a time when my kitchen was saturated in them. Theme decorating was a trend then like burlap, barn wood and chalkboard paint are today.

My geese years coincided with the breakup of my marriage and a tough walk raising my three children.  The memory of geese canisters and geese candle holders and geese napkin rings and geese salt and pepper shakers and geese curtains and geese dish towels and the geese welcome sign on my front porch also mark a time of disillusionment in my Jesus-following.

I had adhered to and been sorely disillusioned with certain dogmatic church trends and practices that, like decorating fads, came and went. I wish I could take space to describe them here.

As I throw down the words to this post I realize I have an unintentional series going on—it’s this thing about church that I’m wrestling with and trying to figure out. I suppose we could consider this Part 3 in a series of Who-knows-how-many-and-hopefully-this-is-it-for-awhile!

Speaking of throwing down words, there are numerous experts on the subject of church reformation. One of the beauties of not being an expert myself is that I get to offer ideas for discussion. If those ideas happen to spark curiosity in you, Google could be your best friend!

Speaking of friends, a good friend commented recently that she wished she could find a faith community like the one I am part of.  I’ve been there. Her comment started me thinking and questioning:

  • Why can’t we start an organic faith community simply by meeting with a few like-minded believers?
  • Has the traditional church model conditioned us to be spectators, leaving us needing  permission to function as the body of Christ portrayed in Acts?
  • Have we developed a false-notion that only certain people can plant communities of faith—that only credentialed people can grow the church?
  • Have we become a little consumer-minded with regard to how we view faith gatherings—that we have to go somewhere to get what we are shopping for?
  • Are we intimidated by Church, Inc. and fearful of its criticism?
  • Are we afraid we’ll be labeled radical, rebellious, deceived, or contentious?
  • Are we too lazy, too private, too afraid to go all-in for what our souls really desire and just so happens to be what God has called us to?
  • Are we terrified of failure? Are we steeped in apathy?

It’s commonly known in Christendom that the church in China has flourished in the house church setting. Persecution and government controls drove them underground, out of the building and into homes. Years ago I remember hearing stories from missional visitors to China  that went something like this:

“They don’t have Bibles, only pages of scripture they conceal and later copy by hand—which are then passed to the next house church. They memorize whole books of the Bible for fear what little scripture they do possess will be confiscated. They don’t have musical accompaniment in their worship or convenient church schedules. They gather, often after long work days, and crowd into small spaces, choosing fellowship with other believers over food and rest. They have no freedom to assemble and when discovered are beaten, fined, tortured and imprisoned.”

Fortunately, government controls in China are relaxing. In some places believers are allowed to gather outside the confines of the governmentally controlled registered church system. Though not available for purchase in the open market, Bibles are more accessible now—many obtained electronically.

You’ve heard stories about the way the church is expressed in other parts of the world. The church is flourishing among believers who have substantially less freedom, significantly less wealth and selectively fewer educated church leaders.

Can we North American Christians think outside the steeple

and be the sent-out ones? 

Can we shift our paradigm? Can we follow the Spirit’s lead as the life and will of Christ are expressed through us, His body?

It’s dangerous and terribly unproductive to enter into an excessive debate about how to be the church. (2 Tim. 2:23) The moment we think we’ve ironed out enough theological wrinkles to assert a definitive conclusion and formulate a recipe, another shift appears on the horizon—a new move is on the wind.

Debate, schisms and polarization have always plagued the church. Two thousand years ago the apostles adamantly opposed Gentile inclusion—they were rigidly stuck in the law of Moses, unable to recognize what God was doing among them. The Roman Catholic church considers itself to be the only true church, stuck in piety, power and control. Throughout the centuries countless denominations have sprung up, composed of people lost in dogmatic zeal, fear and rigidity.

After the geese came the cow decor. After the cows came my Americana era, Country followed, then Shabby Chic, then…. You get my meaning, right?

I have included scripture references at the end of this post that describe some aspect of the church, either in form or function. Let me offer this reminder about the church:

The church is God’s possession —

“…Which He obtained by His own blood?”  (Acts:20:28)

The Lord builds His church 

“…I will build my church and the gates of hell with not prevail against it.”  (Matt 16:18)

We are the temple (building) God dwells within 

“…For God’s temple is holy, and you are that temple.”  (1 Cor.. 3:17)

As we humble ourselves in this search to understand what God is doing in and through His church, can we cultivate a motivation and response born of love for Him rather than our love of being right?

Unless the Lord build the house, they labor in vain who build it!                   Ps. 127:1

If I am pursuing depth in God and submission to His headship, then my main concern about the church should be whether or not I am contributing my part, in love and faithfulness, with intention of bringing glory to Him and furthering His kingdom.

As long as we have a biblical world view, we never need the permission or parameters of another human or human institution to dictate if or how we are allowed to be the church.

Grace and peace!


• Hebrews 10:24-25 ESV • And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

• 1 Corinthians 14:26 ESV • What then, brothers? When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for building up.

• Ephesians 2:21 ESV • In whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord.

• Colossians 3:16 ESV • Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

• Romans 12:5 ESV • So we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.

• Ephesians 4:16  ESV •  From whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

• 2 Timothy 2:22 ESV •  But keep away from youthful passions, and pursue righteousness, faithfulness, love, and peace, in company with others who call on the Lord from a pure heart.


I’m Not Close to God!

Closeness to God isn’t measured in proximity that increases or decreases depending on spiritual activity.

In my early years as a Jesus-follower, I operated under the notion that closeness to God was based on my actions. It wasn’t an altogether faulty notion. James 4:16 says, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” I reasoned that if I engaged in daily devotions, if I read my Bible, prayed fervently, avoided sin and carbs I would then be close to God.

My unspoken illusion played out something like this: If I got close enough to God He would let me do stuff for Him and onlookers might say, “Wow, she must be super close to God.” (Smelling a stinky motive?)

closer-to-god

A few women in my family laugh about it now, but for us being close to God involved ritual and paraphernalia. When we felt close to God there was always equipment involved: a new Bible, cool Bible cover, highlighters, bookmarks, a few devotionals and a journal written in uniform handwriting. These items sat smartly in a chic basket next to our quiet time chairs where we faithfully met Jesus each morning—and make no mistake, it had to be morning or it wasn’t quite as effective!  It also didn’t hurt that visitors would notice the basket and the devotion and our closeness to God.

If our rituals lost momentum, became intermittent or even abandoned for a season, we no longer felt close to God and acted like defeated minions, hanging our heads like kids avoiding an angry parent.

I’ll never forget when a 20s something beach-tanned Jesus Freak walked into our little community church back in the 70s. He was literally barefoot, his long hair held back by strips of leather. He packed a Bible encased in a well-worn leather cover. Hand tooled on the front was the now iconic Maranatha Dove. His Bible had notes scribbled in the margins and verses underlined throughout.

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I had no idea we were allowed to write in our Bibles!

I also had no idea how much my observation of Mr. Maranatha’s Bible influenced some ridiculous behaviors and notions. I emulated other indicators of what identified a person walking closely to God. Most of it was a bunch of soulish activity that only served to make me feel good about my closeness to Jesus.

You guessed it. I got a Bible and began underlining and marking. Beginning with John 3:16 I indiscriminately underlined verses and added incredibly meaningful marginal notes like Very Cool!  Sooo Good!  I love Jesus! (The exclamation points marked with hearts of course.) It suddenly seems important that I mention I was thirteen-years-old at the time.

Years passed and things were great when I felt close to God but when I didn’t, I sheepishly retreated, distancing myself from Him. My closeness ebbed and flowed as I rallied and retreated, rallied and retreated. The rallies were preceded by fervent prayers asking Him to draw me closer. My routines were often self-fueled. My retreats were sojourns in sheepish defeat propelled by an underlying belief that God was upset with me.

The thing is, I really wanted to be used by Him.

I wanted to serve Him and the only ones who were chosen to serve were really, really close to Him— evidenced by the things people close to God say and do. Think part nun, part wild honey and locust eater.

What I didn’t know in those early years was my desire to serve God was impacted by brokenness and motivated out of need to remain in good stead with Him rather than by love for Him. My heart seemed to be saying See how faithful I’m being? Are you pleased with me?

The Lord has been so patient with me. He’s led me gently down a healing path which has enabled me to better understand and trust His love for me. I have since come to know that He didn’t just love me because He was obligated by some rash public declaration or because of an assignment His father gave Him.

He loves me willingly and completely.

(Even as I write this, the joy of that realization overwhelms me to tears.)

In John 14 Jesus is preparing His followers for his death and departure. In verse 10 He asks, “Don’t you believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me?”

It was imperative that they understood this because Jesus urges again in verse 11, “Just believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me.”

He goes on to encourage and explain. Look, I have to go away or you can’t be with me and you can’t be in me and I can’t be in you.

Jesus said,

When I am raised to life again, you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.

Did you get that?

“I am in you.”

in-us

When I realized that Jesus didn’t come just to atone for sins and to reveal the Father but that His life, death and resurrection made available to me the same union that the Father, Son and Holy Spirit share…

IT COMPLETELY CHANGED THE WAY I VIEW MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM! 

Not only is He my dwelling place but I am His. I’d say that’s pretty close, wouldn’t you?

“For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.”  – Ephesians 5:30-32 

What is true of my marriage union applies to my union with Christ. You see, I’m no less united to my husband in marriage when we’ve had a disagreement or if we are separated by miles. The reality is:

  • We are united. 
  • It impacts my identity. 
  • It impacts my priorities. 
  • It impacts the way I live. 
  • It impacts my emotional security. 
  • It impacts how I spend my time. 
  • It impacts who I share my time with.

These things don’t prove I have union with my husband, they are a result of that union.

Our union with God is a union of love and we love God because He first loved us. Love is what drives the union of the Godhead and love is what drives my union with God—His for me and mine for Him.

For reasons beyond my comprehension, God does not move away if I mess up or fail to reach the bar—whatever that is.

My friends, God is not far off. He makes His home in us!

Let union, rather than proximity, depict your relationship with God!

Let love, not duty be the motivator in that union!

Why I Stopped Going to Church

church

I was in the seventh grade, sitting on a hard wooden pew in a small country church.

It was my first or second visit and to be honest five minutes after the service I couldn’t have told you what the sermon was about. I was too preoccupied with the awkwardness of my foreign surroundings, navigating my adolescent insecurities and managing the shame of what was going on at home.

An invitation was made for the unsaved to come to the altar, confess their sins, and invite Jesus into their hearts. My classmate Susan leaned in close, her vanilla musk oil momentarily replacing the sacred mustiness of old wood, old hymnals and old people. She whisper-shouted over the pianist playing Just As I Am, “You need to get saved or you’ll go to hell.”

That day was the beginning of what would become nearly five decades of church attendance. I’d be hard-pressed now to list all the churches I’ve joined in that time—everything from Little Country Churches to Prosperity Mega-Churches, Christian Missionary Alliance, and Pentecostal Freewill Baptist. Foursquare. Church of God. Baptist. Assemblies of God. Vineyard. Presbyterian. Independent. You can imagine how many church “membership” classes I’ve taken.

In it all I found that church going was often confused with Christ-following. There was a disconnect between the church I observed in scripture and church I experienced as a gathering place.

Before I lose you, I need to say that most of the churches I joined were populated by authentic Jesus-followers and led by sincere leaders following their God-calling to the best of their abilities. Many of them contributed to my growth as a believer and some provided a taste of the faith community my soul desired.

Others were unquestionably exploitive and even abusive.

Like the boyfriend everyone thought you should marry but your heart could never fully trust, Church and I broke up several times. Guilt and hope always pushed me back to try again.

With all that church hopping I came to know a lot of bunnies. I discovered a remarkable number of them had also stopped going to church. That was in the days before a demographic was identified and labeled the Doners—Christ-followers done with traditional church.

Discussions ensued. Stories unfolded. Hurts were laid bare and resentments unveiled. Sadly, some had abandoned their belief in God all together while others just simmered in a stew of disillusionment and indecision.

I remember asking a good friend, “Is this God’s doing or are we being led into deception?”

Some railed against traditional church practices while others simply wanted an environment that supported a deeper walk with Jesus and a fuller expression of body life–one-anothering as some identified it.

I’m not going to kid you, there was a conflicted and significant interval between leaving the institutional church setting and discovering a faith community that invited the kind of participation we desired. Until then, I dreaded the where-are-you-going-to-church inquiries that popped up in conversations at Costco and Safeway.

Not surprisingly, in that season we didn’t feel any less Christian. We found ourselves detoxing from some of our religious thinking and challenging long held practices. We  laid hold of Acts and read newly discovered books addressing this church debate and the ineffectiveness of some traditional churches. We recognized a migration of Christ-followers from institutional church settings to a deeper, less structured expression of church-being.

I desired a living, interactive faith community of authentic Jesus-followers pursuing what it means to be the church–the functioning body of Christ. Unfortunately, as someone has said, that’s harder to find then hens teeth.

That said; let me quote one of the thinkers in this church debate. Frank Viola asserts,

Body life is PROFOUNDLY costly….face-to-face community exposes everyone’s flesh, so it’s not an easy ride. It’s a marriage of glory and gore. And that’s where the transformation occurs. That is, if you can learn the cross and not skirt it. When it comes to authentic body life, many are called, but few can stand it.

Nonetheless, we have aligned with a group of unconventional Jesus-followers near our home. We’re identified as Simple Church and we’re learning what it is to go deeper with Jesus and be church.

  • We come together, no one more important than the other.
  • We greet and visit like family members.
  • We worship acoustically.
  • We read significant portions of scripture.
  • Each one freely participates in the gathering.
  • We each operate in our individual gifting and contribute accordingly.
  • We lovingly challenge as well as affirm one other.
  • We help each other in practical ways outside the weekly gathering.
  • We’re missional in our scope and mutually ministerial in our function.
  • Most importantly though, we allow the Holy Spirit to express Himself in and through us, for His glory and our good—to achieve His kingdom purposes.

Do we have it all figured out? No way! Are we still growing in our understanding of what it means to be the church? Absolutely! Do we have the capability of inflicting wounds and hindrances every bit at crippling as those we’ve received in traditional church settings? Yes. Yes, we do.

It never stops being scary. This endeavor requires spiritual maturity and great love to embark on and succeed at something as intimate and vulnerable as Simple Church.

This image may raise fear of a petri dish environment that could breed heresy and cult-spawning. That possibility exists I suppose. The health of such a faith community isn’t based on where it meets or its non-traditional-non-structure. The health of this type of faith community succeeds on the transformational journey of its parts.

Just because we’re a house church does not mean we’re on the fast track to emulating a biblical first century church.

I’ve used the term organic church in the past attempting to describe this community but it has become overused and misapplied. The faith communities I describe vary like families; each are uniquely representative of and responsive to their community, culture and demographic.

There appears to be a good bit of church reformation taking place but it doesn’t mean someone can’t be the church while going to the church! It doesn’t mean house churches are the only answer.

Consider this, wherever you express yourself as a member of the body of Christ, keep in mind that there is an entire population of pre-Christians who will not encounter Jesus in the organized church setting because they refuse the building and loath the politics.

Some will only meet Jesus as He’s expressed through the church–His sincere followers fleshing out the life and mission of Jesus.

Grace and peace!

Dear Reader…

Autumn. Fall scene. Beautiful Autumnal park. Beauty nature scene

I begin this post with Dear Reader because it reminds me there is a flesh and blood someone on the other side of these words I hurl into cyberspace.

Where have I been, you ask?

This summer I did a lot of soul-searching and zero blogging. There was a fair amount of talk therapy splattered in there as well. I spent eight peaceful days alone in the woods contemplating my life and asking hard questions. I filled my journal with ink that told on my heart, revealing the conflict it contained.

Recently I had the joy of experiencing my two-year old grandson. His antics and adorableness make me grit my teeth in attempts at self-control. If given over to my impulses I would scoop him up and smother him with unending kisses. Though his tolerance for smothering gramma-affection has diminished, his desire for my undivided attention has not waned.

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Photo credit cjandjen.blogspot.com

We spent the morning playing and at one point in the back yard he observed and commented, “It’s windy.” For a poetic moment he stared off David Thoreau-like and added, “I like the wind. It blows the hot off me.” I could eat that boy up!

Though I enjoyed the occasional wind that blew the hot off me this summer, I more needed the wind of God to blow the dust layer off my outlook.

I took a hard look at my identity, my relationships, my purpose, my heartaches and my dreams. I also questioned my blog. (Ask a couple of my friends and they’ll tell you this happens on a regular basis.)

    • Why blog?
    • Do I have anything to say that isn’t already being said elsewhere?
    • What am I hoping to accomplish?
    • Do I have a theme and who’s my audience?
    • Do I have a readership?
    • Can I grow a blog while refusing Facebook and Twitter?
    • Am I too open and why for the love of boundaries do I freely bare my soul?

If you’ve read Grace Grips before, you know I’m intentionally transparent because I think people are tired of pretense, idealism, glossy rhetoric and religious cliches. Don’t you just want a place where make-up is not required?

One of my goals for this blog has been to acknowledge and share the messiness of mucking out my honest-to-goodness-real-life with its searing imperfections, frequent failures and side-lining discouragements.

I talk about living with depression and anxiety and PTSD and the effects of childhood sexual abuse. I talk about my relationship with God and share the things He shows me. And though I’m real, it’s not my intention to offer a steady diet of wallow and whine so occasionally I highlight the celebratory moments when It is well with my soul! 

I try to offer glimpses of Jesus in the midst of it all and illuminate the Grace that grips when I don’t feel I can hang on.

And, I just happen to think there are folks who benefit from some of this!

A couple weeks ago I listened to a new friend update me on her life. She’s a first-grade teacher taking a fully-loaded graduate course. All I could offer her in response was to say that I’m a stay-at-home grandmother operating in the self-termed ministry of availability–helping where I’m needed. I didn’t add: when I’m not stuck in depression that is.

While I cheered her, insecurity chided me.

Though I’m getting better, I’m a perpetual self-scolder. I tend to dismiss my dreams and habitually question my purpose. I work hard to push against the persistent voice of disqualification that has plagued me since childhood. I get lost between my feeling of not being enough and my fear of being too much. I stumble over my emotions. I get tripped up on the opinions of others. I fall flat when rejection jumps me. I wrestle with anxiety. I’m easily overwhelmed when two or more of these factors are present at the same time.

Mostly, I just can’t seem to keep a firm grip on who I am so I’m apt to look for clarification from others and wait in vain for permission to live my own life. And sometimes I isolate in a vacuum of self-effort while I attempt to work out a fix for my current version of broken.

One muggy August afternoon I whined to my therapist, “It’s like I keep taking courses but I never get the certificate and here I am at fifty-eight questioning my purpose and if I’ve wasted my life and where do I go from here…and I’m very, very tired.”

Pass the tissues, please!

The tissue-passer reminded me that I’m never going to arrive.  Her reminder was analgesic. This side of the gates I’m never not going to be broken, flawed and in need of transformation. I’m never going to be fully qualified or completely equipped. “But that doesn’t mean,” she added, “that you stop putting yourself out there.”

So this summer I laid my heart before God and somewhere in my contemplative exploration God turned the questions on me:

Does who you think you are carry more weight than who I say you are? 

Trust me, my only response to that was repentance.

As summer packed up for the year I had come to some conclusions. Most importantly I determined to identify myself as one dearly loved by God.

I am His chosen, uniquely created, intentionally-loved, perpetually-cared for recipient of unending Goodness, Mercy and Grace.

(Read that again, please, because it’s true of you as well!)

I decided to accept that His calling on my life is exactly that–His.

I determined to trust where He leads, no matter how seemingly incongruous the path.

I agreed to relinquish the outcomes of His initiations for and through me and to release my need to quantify their import or impact.

And I accepted, once again, the inescapable reality that I’m going to mess up and not everyone is going to like or agree with me.

Back to my blog. I’m going to keep at it even though it still scares me.

You might be a Grace Grip reader if you aren’t afraid of someone offering their vulnerable journey with Jesus through a messy life. My hope is to point to a life-simplifying relationship with God. In the process I hope to be relatable and to offer identification for those who think their struggles are unique and that they are alone.  I want to inspire courage for those looking at and dealing with the hard stuff.

Thank you, friend, for hanging out with me.

And, by the way, by taking a moment to comment, you join the conversation and broaden the impact—not to mention inspire trepidatious me.

Grace and Peace!

Truth-Speaking: Navigating a Touchy Subject

truthinlove

I’m not very good at it.

Being a semi-good story teller doesn’t necessarily make me a good communicator, particularly when it comes to speaking truth in love. Unfortunately, sometimes my love-truth spends a little too much time fermenting in frustration and comes out covered in emotional barbs.

I lack practice in truth-speaking because I’m afraid of it. I prefer to avoid conflict and I still care whether people like me! Though I’m actively working to resist it, I’m sometimes motivated by my fear of anger and rejection. Too often my words and actions are filtered through the grid of people-pleasing. Unfortunately, my truth-speaking comes easiest when I’m emotionally charged.

I remember a comment made by a British entertainer: “You Americans are so touchy and easily offended. You take yourselves far too seriously.” I think we generally know this about ourselves, and our culture; it hinders us from daring to confront in love.

Christians are too easily offended as well. We get our feathers in a ruffle if someone dare suggest we might need a little spoken-truth. John Bevere’s book introduces the idea that offense is The Bait of Satan.

Many of us have a very difficult time receiving truth especially spoken from the lips of fallible human beings. Nothing rouses offense like some flawed hot-mess pointing out our teeny-tinny flaws.

Offense is not only a natural byproduct of being human. Offense is deadly.

Offense is a baited-trap to ensnare us so Satan can dismantle unity and weaken the body of Christ.

Through offense, Satan disrupts and impedes kingdom growth and our kingdom purpose.

In Ephesians 4, Paul urges Christians to grow up. He tells us to put away falsehood and speak truth to each other so that we can grow up into the full measure of Christ–emulating not only His actions but also His character.

Marriage provides good practice for this–a brutal boot camp that never ends! My husband and I were in a rather animated conversation once. Okay, we were in a big fight that went south rather quickly.

There was a lot of truth being flung around our 25 foot RV that night in the middle of the woods. I was so upset that I refused to get in bed with him; choosing instead to sit at the table with my head in the crook of my arm and shiver-sleep. He, on the other hand, well, let’s just say his snoring was a metronomic reminder that my dramatics were wasted. My chattering teeth eventually ate through my pride and sometime before dawn I crawled into bed with the enemy!

Somewhere in my husband’s upbringing he determined it was necessary to avoid confrontation, regardless of the significance of the relationship or the degree of the behavior. Being one of ten children may have influenced his belief that superficial peace was preferable to conflict-riddled honesty. His motto: Pick your own nose and keep your finger out of other people’s faces.

I grew up with a spasmodic communication style. Silence. Pressure. Blow. Retreat. Silence. Pressure. Blow. Retreat. I had a very difficult time navigating our relationship by his rules. Trust me, I really tried to fit in–that’s what trauma survivors do. I’d pretend things didn’t bother me. I’d forcefully hum my way through situations that I would rather have talked out.

To be fair, he had his challenges with my style as well. (I think we’re improving!)

About every six months I’d become so backed-up with truth that I felt like I would explode if I couldn’t unpack some of it. My need for emotional honesty and vulnerable  connection was too great. I had come too far in my journey out of disfunction to welcome avoidance.

My unpacking usually began with one small thing: When you don’t give me eye contact it makes me feel like you’re angry with me. So far so good, right? But if he didn’t acknowledge or respond , which was usually the case, my litigious brain would kick into gear and I would enter my carefully tagged exhibits–examples of other things he did to create emotional disconnection.

Grace&Truth copyMy evidence combined with my multi-layered, multiloculated communication style overwhelmed him. He’d feel ambushed and would start throwing self-protective truth-grenades. Emotional carnage ensued.

Such was the case that night in the quiet woods. By the way, have you ever tried to yell in a hushed voice? Not at all easy and definitely not attractive–just sayin’.

Truth&Grace

The following morning we picked up the pieces and prayerfully (with repentance) recovered the real truth in the truth we had flung at each other. We agreed that there was a better way to communicate truth.

  • We agreed that we would be prayerful before speaking truth.
  • We agreed to posture ourselves in love before speaking .
  • We agreed that truth-speaking, as hard as it can be, is absolutely necessary for our growth in Christ and in our marriage.
  • We agreed that Truth is the twin to Grace.
    • Truth without grace is injurious.
    • Grace without truth is indulgence.

Is it easy? No. But it’s essential.

As humans we find balance very challenging. We think balance comes from the architecture of spiritual algorithms, which are born of our skewed reasoning and fueled by our affinity for and need to control, measure, assess and evaluate.

But balance comes from the pace of a Spirit-ordered walk of grace and truth. It sounds over-simplistic doesn’t it?

We have to be prayerful about Speaking the truth in love because there is a God-determined priority of transformation in each of our lives. One of the lessons I learned in Experiencing God is that we are to join God in what He is doing around us–according to His plan–rather than asking Him to join us in achieving ours.

Jesus reveals this Father-led-transformation priority in nearly every sinful-man encounter recorded in scripture. Of the woman caught in adultery, Jesus demonstrated that Her spiritual void was higher in priority than her moral conduct so He offered her grace. But grace is always followed by truth. In her case He concluded with Now go and live differently. 

Grace and Truth are activated by the Holy Spirit and empowered by love.

  • The pre-requisite of truth-speaking is the ability to hear and receive truth ourselves.
  • Truth cannot be spoken outside the architecture of love, first love for God and then love for the recipient.
  • The motivation for truth-speaking must be love for the recipient.
  • The goal of truth is reparative and restorative.Truth germinates in the life of another through grace.
  • Truth-speaking must be Holy Spirit led and paced.
  • Truth is necessary for health in the body of Christ; it is essential for life-transformation.

Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.                       Eph. 4:25